I used to be an achiever, a know-it-all, a challenger. But short six years ago, I wished for mediocrity. My reason – I was tired of expectations.
That is how UP came. I chose the university as my foreseen refuge from my past world of glories. I wanted to be an average student.
The hope did not fail me. I was a typical UP student. I have met friends who are far better than I was, and it felt home. Just like the others, I was a late-night crammer, a perennial absentee, and an org buddy. But I was conscious. My simple goal then was to learn more and not to not make the grades. In most of my college days, I was never a nerd nor a grade conscious.
There were few times though when I grieved for the feeling of being one of the top scorers. And to end such a nostalgic sense, I remember myself resorting to my ‘I can if I want’ delusion. It has been a really long delusion. I still got the ego back then.
Come my last semester, I faced a near no-graduation experience. One of my math electives has almost plunked; I needed to hit a high target grade just to pass. Passing back then meant my graduation. I cried but I made myself for my friends helped me. The last and final exam of my undergraduate years was a make-it or break-it. With God’s mercy, I graduated… with no Latin honors. And I still can recall my proud self saying “I should have been, if I wanted to”. Ego, still.
Today, I am writing this to distinguish the past from the present. Reliving my past glories is a dangerous narcotic to me. I thank God I noticed it. I must admit, it is only now that I am realizing the delusion and the ego I had.
In every time I start barking up my hypothetical what if’s, I steer myself to seeing the real past – that I did not make it. And I can say that it is not by choice, but it’s what I am. I note to self that I must have no regrets. I know what I did, I had my priorities. I did it God’s way, and with His help.